I've Been Low

So where have I been all weekend? Well to be honest I've been off in a corner quietly licking my wounds and nursing my bruised ego. Friday was, without a doubt, my worst day as a mother yet. It goes without saying that Friday in no way compares to those difficult days after Abby and Maya's respective births. Those days go in the category of worst day ever.

So what was so horrible about Friday? Well it started out great. Abby had been bugging to go to the sitters and since her bangs were so long I couldn't see her eyeballs anymore we all agreed Friday would be a great day. Maya was a bit fussy through the night and ended up in bed with us around 4 am. So Mike actually let us sleep in the morning and got Abby up and ready to go to the sitters all on his own. Something he's never done before. So kudos to him. Anyway. Maya kicked me awake around 8 am and I think that may have been where the problem started since 8 is about 2 hours later than she usually gets up. It just threw off her whole schedule. For the first little bit of the day she was a happy camper. Being just the cutest baby ever and then the screaming started and it didn't stop. Not for hours. I tried every trick at my disposal and nothing was working. I rocked her. I laid down with her. I took her for a walk until the screams forced me back in the house before the neighbours called social services. I bounced her. I tried every toy she has. I patted her back. The poor thing was exhausted, but instead of sleeping she screamed.

At one point I convinced myself that I would lay her down in her crib and just leave her until she finally fell asleep. So I put her to bed and she screamed even louder if that was possible. It was only a matter of minutes before I was back in there to get her. I know a lot of people choose to use the cry it out method and this isn't a judgement if you have, but I couldn't do it. I have, successfully, used the cry it out method with Abby, but she was older than Maya is now. I just didn't feel comfortable with it at this stage. So instead I picked her up and walked. All over the house. I should of had my pedometer on because I clocked a lot of miles. While I walked Maya screamed and I cried. I cried because I couldn't do anything for her. I cried because I was tired of listening to her scream. I cried because I felt like a horrible mother. I cried and I talked to God. And I prayed. And I begged. And I bargained. And I cursed Him. And I cursed myself. And, yes, I cursed Maya as well. I could see so clearly how babies get shaken. How horrible, awful things can happen. How quickly you can travel to your limit. Instead when it felt too much I would put her down. I would stand with her, hold her hands and cry some more. I would take a trip around the house by myself. Give myself a little pep talk. Take some deep breaths.

At some point I did manage to get her to sleep by laying with her in my bed. She slept for a scant 45 minutes and then the phone rang. The screaming began anew. And so the day continued. As luck would have it, Michael was working late on Friday. He never works late. Ever. By the time he finally got home Maya had progressed to taking short breaks in between screaming bouts and my tank was on empty. The needle was buried and I was sucking fumes. In all my days of parenting I have never had a day like that one and I'd like never to repeat it. Somehow Mike and I managed to get both girls into bed at a reasonable hour and us in bed shortly after. In bed, in the dark, I cried for the day we'd had because you know I hadn't cried enough yet. I cried for the birthday party we'd missed that night. I cried for letting a friend down. I cried for letting her kids down. I cried until I couldn't anymore. Now why would I tell a story like this? Well I can't be the first Mom who's ever had a day like this, but how are we to know that if nobody ever speaks up? Lets you know that yeah it can be bad, but it's not forever. To let you know that yeah I get frustrated sometimes too or feel like I'm in over my head or sometimes I just dont' know what to do or sometimes there's just nothing you can do, but wait it out.

The good news is Maya is right as rain again and I am so happy to have my happy little baby back I can't even tell you.