my happy little tree

It can be easy sometimes to let the petty little annoyances that come along with day to day life to pile up. When they roll over you spaced too close together it can be hard to shake them off. I was having a few days like that. Most of my nearest and dearest will tell you I am fairly easy going and don't really sweat the small stuff. Sure, I may grumble about the shopper hogging up 77% of the aisle while I am shopping, but you can bet your bottom dollar and I had a warm smile and a genuine, "no, no, that's okay" for the poor soul when I finally am able to maneuver my way around them.

So I had a couple of days where I was using the hashtag #ShannyHatesEveryone, pretty liberally and by liberally I mean I used it in a text to Mike and another one to my compound wife, TC. I was full of grumbling and cursing and really just hating everyone-ish, which Mike always finds hysterical in the beginning, as it is out of character for me.Lest you think I am a saint, the last two days have proven I can be as cutting and cold as the next asshole. It's when this behaviour ticks past the 24 hour mark that Mike begins to get nervous. Usually that's when things start to turn around on their own anyway. I have far too much amazing in my life to be down for long, but this time was different.

It may have been because the kids were out of town, so I had no one to model good behaviour for and having celebrated 20 lovely married years with Michael this week..... well he's seen all the bad parts already and still likes me, so I was free to let it off the chain for a while, but it wasn't enjoyable at all. It just isn't me. In the midst of all the angry-ness I got a last minute-ish invite to one of those paint nights. You know the thing, at the bar and then you paint a picture. My default was to say no.... because you know #ShannyHatesEveryone, but I knew I really needed to say yes.



The state of things by Paint Nite, were not much better. I may have told Mike I "wasn't fit for public consumption" at which he laughed.... nervously, and suggested maybe I should cancel. It was a highly appealing thought, but I soldiered on.



This is my, "Oh my Gawd, I can't paint that" face.



The other girls in our group could paint that...



Turns out I could too!

More importantly I had a super fun and great night out with some of my favourite chicks and totally rewired my thinking. Just the break from myself that I knew I needed. Thanks so much for the invite you lovely gals!

#BellLetsTalk

I got a text from someone very dear to me, today of all days..... and I hope she won't mind me sharing it.... that read - Just wanted to let you know how very proud I am to have seen you become the confident expressive mature loving person I sat with last night. Thinking back to the quiet expressionless girl I first knew but liked and wanted to get to know. You are a gift.

Cue the weepy eyes. I cannot begin to tell you and I certainly didn't adequately tell her what a gift those words were to my soul. If you had told the Shannon she's talking about that this is the Shannon she would become, well she probably would have laughed in your face. It would have seemed impossible. Insurmountable. I am one of the lucky ones. Somehow I got here, teeny tiny step by teeny tiny step. I wish I could say that I did this, this one thing and everything magically fell into place, but doesn't work like that. It was a million little things.

It was finding the right people at the right time. It was learning to say no, if that was the best thing for me and not yes because it might be the best thing for someone else. It was discovering that fine line between empathy and being a sucker. It was really listening to people tell me who they were. It was learning to value my own opinion. It was finding my voice and not being afraid to use it. It was learning to disagree with grace. It was learning to let go of the things that didn't bring peace, love or happiness. It was becoming a Mom. It was being a partner. A sister. A friend. It was learning to listen. It was deciding to be happy. It was a million more things both known and unknown.

I making it sound far easier than it is, I think. This is a marathon, not a sprint and it's fluid. I can see it even in my youngest. Things are better as well as different with her. Triggers change, but she works hard not to let the worries win. We talk a lot, her and I. It helps us both I think. Putting tools to cope and manage in her hands only benefits us both. I am ridiculously proud of that kid's grit. I wish I'd had half as much when I was her age.

For those who are struggling, in any measure, I wish you peace and understanding.

Much love.





































































































































































 

#BellLetsTalk

I remember sitting in the backyard at my mother-in-law's. The rest of the family was playing a game of baseball using one of those plastic bat and ball sets that are so popular at dollar stores. There was much laughing and trash talking. And there I sat, by myself, at the picnic table. My sister-in-law was across the lawn from me, making her way back into the game. She paused and attempted to make eye contact with me, beckoning me to come play. I pretended I couldn't see her. Yes, that's what I did. I just ignored her because I was incapable of getting up and joining in the fun.

Mike got his sisters later in life, he was sixteen and so were they. We were not all instant friends. This baseball game was early on in their blended family relationship and I was already making a muck up of it because how do you form a connection with someone like that? Here she was inviting me to join the fun and instead I pretended I didn't even see her. She gave up eventually. Obviously. Why wouldn't you? At the time she didn't know me from Adam and I'm sure even she wasn't completely sold on the idea of investing in these new relationships.

My life is made up of a million of those types of stories. Stories in which I behave, seemingly, like an asshole (if I was lucky. A lot of the time I came off bitchy) because whatever I had going on inside my brain didn't allow me to be comfortable within myself. You'd have to wonder how I ended up with any friends at all. I'd like to send a very heartfelt thank you to those of you who pushed through all that stuff I had up and in the way to be my friend. I used to "joke" that I made you work to be friends with me and while the "joke" had more than a sliver of truth to it, I promise that wasn't by design. If I could have been any different I would have. So really thanks for taking a chance on me because if you hadn't pushed it, I certainly wouldn't have. Y'all know who you are.

Mental illness is not something I spend a lot of time discussing with other people. I mean if I was incapable of saying hello to someone I certainly wasn't about to offer up how I would stay up hours later then I should just because my anxiety went off the charts when I climbed into bed. My Dad was bipolar and committed suicide and yet on my hospital paperwork when I had the girls when they asked about a history of mental illness in the family I answered none because I didn't want to that to be my label. I realize that was stupid because the concern is postpartum depression and I knew that at the time, but I felt people would be watching me even closer once they found that out. When I meet someone new I usually skirt the Dad death question the best I can when and if it comes up because people are usually so incredibly sorry they asked and then it becomes an awkward moment of me very brightly assuring them that everything is okay, that I'm fine with it when I'm not truly fine. I live with it because that is the realty of things, but I will never been fine with it because it's not fine. It's not okay. He should be here. I don't know what has to change to keep this sort of thing from happening to other families, but just simply talking about it has to be a good start, right?

I am one of the lucky ones. My feelings of anxiety are lower then they ever have been before in my life. That is something I am still adjusting to. I can chair meetings and make new friends and sit through volunteer screening interviews and I barely break a sweat. I climb into bed and just fall asleep. No more staying up to the point of exhaustion and then reading until I fell asleep with the book in my hand. I presented an award to a couple of kids at the school in front of a room full of people. I was in a flash mob! My life is big and full and wonderful. I mean my life has always been wonderful, but this is just an easier kind of wonderful. That Shannon that ignored her sister-in-law all those years ago does not exist anymore. I have learned, the hard way, that I'm not "cured", living like this takes work. I need to be good to myself. I need to run and write and drink my water. I need sleep and game nights and volunteering and I need my friends. I read a book recently about the power of friendship and how important it is to a woman's overall health. My social circle is the largest it's ever been in my life and I credit it very heavily with how mentally healthy I feel. From my closest friends to work friends to volunteering friends to neighbours to friends who I've never met in person you all give something very important to my life and I thank you all for that.

Be good to each other, you never can tell what someone else is living with. Be patient. Be empathetic. Take a chance on the quiet bitchy girl in the corner. Mike's sisters did and I am so thankful for them.

Much love.

should have listened to him years ago

You guys....... I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you and I really feel the need to come clean. Are you sitting down? Ok, good.

Deep breath.

We bought a fake Christmas tree.

I know. I know! Let me tell you nobody is more surprised at this turn events then this chick right here. Growing up we always had a fake tree. My Mom would turn our dining room (that we never used as a dining room) into a Christmas wonderland every year and our fake tree was the centre piece. Mike, on the other hand, had a real tree at his place growing up. Once we got married and had a place of our own we went the real tree route.

Now before you feel it necessary to explain to me the evils of a fake tree let me just say... I know! I do. I know, they are horrible for the environment for many reasons. On the flip side a real tree benefits the earth in a lot of ways. So, yeah I get it. Believe me I have argued the real tree side many times before. So how did we get here? 

Mike has been over the whole real tree thing for a few years and has been lobbying hard for a fake one, but I kept putting him off for one more year, just one more year and then we'll buy one at the boxing day sales. Which, of course, we never did. This year at the end of November one of the flyers had some killer deals on fake trees. I saw one that looked very nice (on paper) and cost about the equivalent to what we were going to pay for a real tree. The Grannies managed to snag us the last one in the store, just by chance, and brought it home to us. And just like that we became fake tree owners.

Here's the funny thing I realized in the past month.... a real tree really messed with my anxiety. This has been the least anxious I have been at Christmas since I can't remember when and when I sat down to really analyze why that was, it suddenly dawned on me... the tree. Here's the thing with a real tree I'd have to figure out a time to get it and then getting it in the house and straight in the stand.... oh boy. If Mike and I were ever going to decide to separate it would be while we were getting the tree straight in the stand. Also Mike is not a decorator... which is fine, the kids and I LOVE it, but the past couple of years decorating the tree has caused my arms to break out in hives. Then I had to make sure there was always water in the stand and don't get me started on the needles everywhere.

Now we get to undecorating... a chore I hate more than anything... and lucky for me, one Mike doesn't mind doing except for getting the tree back outside. Now if I was ever going to ask Mike to move out, it would be while he's taking the tree back outside. Gee, you write that all out and I have to wonder why I'd put myself through all that when it clearly didn't make me happy. The most wonderful time of the year and I'm making myself miserable on purpose.

So the fake tree went up, I let the kids decorate it themselves (Maya did most of it) and then I didn't give it another thought. It probably sounds silly, it's just a stupid tree, but the amount of peace it's given my mind cannot be understated.

i'm finding my way

I'm going to give it to you straight! I got lazy. Sure I could also tell you how busy things have been. How I keep piling more and more work on myself, but as they say.... If you really want to do something you'll find a way. If you don't you'll find an excuse. Truth!

Here's what I stopped doing, I stopped making my after work run a priority. I got caught up in the work I was doing and tricked myself into believing that those emails wouldn't wait another 45 minutes. That the paper work and the looming project deadlines couldn't handle me stepping away for 45 minutes. I'd swear to myself that I would go out tomorrow. Tomorrow would come and I'd be back at my computer dealing with questions from trucking companies, organizing volunteers, sorting silent auction items and on it goes.

It's a slippery slope, isn't it? Once you let one thing slide it's so easy for the rest to follow and I did that. I let the rest follow because on top of all the volunteer projects I had going this year and they were big ones, we're talking thousands upon thousands of dollars I still had that full time job of mine to go to and riding lessons and meetings and then there was the laundry and homework and meals to cook. So I also got lazy with my food and trust me when I say it was very easy to do.

The fact of the matter is I do all the laundry, almost all of the cooking, I organize everyone else's schedules, I fill out all the trip forms and various other school paper work, I check the backpacks and make sure the homework gets done. Most of the time I do the tucking in and the story reading. And you know what..... it's my pleasure to do so. This family is without a doubt my greatest work and taking care of them.... acts of service....that is my love language.

At Christmas time of last year I had lost 40 lbs and it took a lot of hard work to get there, so you have no idea how angry I am at myself for gaining 22lbs of it back. That I didn't let those emails wait for another 45 minutes. That I didn't get Abby to fold some towels. That I didn't push the school papers in front of Mike to fill out. That I didn't do all of that and more so I could slip out the door for 45 minutes and keep myself on track. I should mention that it's not an issue of nobody wanting to help me, but rather an issue of me just doing it all. Acts of service... it's what I do.

So I'm back... no more goofing around. If you're friends with me on facebook then you know I've been out running this week. Oh, but that makes me angry too because I've lost so much of my speed and lung capacity and strength. This time around I'm losing with a friend. We aren't geographically close so we aren't working out together, but we're challenging each other and checking in... making sure we're staying with it. We've got our first week behind us and I'm back down 3.4lbs so that's pretty exciting. And I'm letting the emails wait and Mike's cleaning the kitchen. The homework seems to be getting done and the girls have been getting to bed okay every night.

I had been pretty vocal about my running/weight loss/healthy living journey and then I just got quiet..... always a good sign things are going sideways, by the by....... because failure is not really something anybody likes to broadcast to the world, but we probably should because things aren't always easy and we aren't always perfect and that's okay. I have the opportunity to shake myself off and get back at it. You should probably expect the updates to start back up and if you don't hear anything please feel free to ask me what in the hell I am doing and I'll just be over here trying to find my way.

my sweet abby girl

So for the second time this school year I found myself blinking back tears and swallowing past the lump in my throat while talking to Abby's teacher. The first time was just before Christmas, rather than traditional gifts we made a donation on the teacher's behalf to our local Children's Hospital. I wrote a letter explaining the girls health issues at birth and what a big part our local hospital had played in getting them well. Both girls' teachers approached me to thank us for such a thoughtful gift while I attempted, with poor results, to keep from getting too weepy.

Fast forward a few months and I find myself chatting with Abby's teacher...

Him: Abby tells me you started running.
Me: Yes, I did. About a year ago.
Him: And you've run some races.
Me: I have, yes. Just some 5k's.
Him: She tells me. Always with a big smile on her face. She's very proud of you.

Cue the blubbering mess. Kinda. I think I held myself together fairly well or at the very least he was kind enough to pretend not to notice. I wonder, sometimes.... am I doing this right? Am I a good role model? Are they paying attention? Nice to know they may just be....

in the neighbourhood

Maya came down with a stomach bug yesterday. Abby succumbed to it not long after she got home. Two pukey kids laid up in my living room should have made it easy to skip out on my homework. Yes I have homework now. I recently had a talk with a mental health professional. I talked and she listened and then she talked and I listened and then she assigned homework. Daily, I have to check in with her kind of homework. Daily, I have to check in with her and if I don't she's right on my case kind of homework.

It's easy homework and yet, not easy for me. I'm supposed to take time every day to do something just for me because as she, rightly, pointed out to me I have things that I do for me. I read, I write, and I run, among other things, but not many of those things have been happening lately. When things get tough or busy or stressful I immediately drop those things. So yesterday after everyone was cleaned up and settled on the couch I headed upstairs for my jammies, but instead I forced myself to put on my running gear and head out the door. The kids were in Michael's capable hands, even still I planned on bailing on my run after a kilometre or two, but I made myself stay out there for five.

Of course everything was fine while I was gone. The kids were well taken care of and Mike had dinner ready for me by the time I got home. Turns out she was right, the world didn't implode.

So things are going better. The tide is beginning to turn. The pain in my back is gone, the headaches have decreased significantly, my sleeping has improved. I'm not back to 100% awesomeness, but at least I'm in the right 'hood.

the setback

I read something this week and the second I did I had what The Oprah would call an "aha" moment.

What other people think of me is none of my business.

That is some truth right there, but it's not easy to let go of. I know. What other people think of me is a major bugaboo for me. Well, what certain people think of me is a major bugaboo. It is and/or was a huge source of anxiety for me. And that brings me to my next point.... my anxiety has made it's triumphant return. Things are not quite as rosy as they have been, but I am doing my very best to "fake it until I make it", my most trusted coping mechanism which I employ with varying degrees of success.

This too shall pass.

I truly believe this is a temporary blip. I have not been taking the best care of myself. I've spread myself a bit thin at the moment, the next four weeks or so will be a bit intense as I have two big events coming up. I'm not sleeping terrifically well, my headaches are back along with the back ache and it's all just chipping away at the awesomeness. I have a hard time with directly saying what I need and an even harder time asking for help. The thought of disappointing someone important in my life just levels me.

 So, you know where this is going, right? I disappointed people I care about. I had a decision to make, so I attempted to make the best one for me at the risk of disappointing others. It wasn't a question of not wanting to, it was a bigger question of what was best not just for me, but the three other people who live with me. What was going to help turn this tide and some how it just spiraled out of control. Thoughts of this weekend will come back and torment me at low points in the future, of that I have no doubt.

Running, I have come to realize, is a big part of what makes me feel better. It helps keep all those other issues at bay. I haven't been running as much this winter and it has clearly caught up with me. I'm not the only person who's taken note of this either, at one point on Friday when I had just about reached my breaking point Mike looked at me and said, can you please try and get a hold of yourself and go for a run. I probably should have listened to him, but instead I had a shower and cried on and off for the rest of the weekend.

I went to church this morning, that hour once a week where I am quiet and reflective that I typically find comfort in, instead this week flared up my biggest bugaboo.... my fear of dying. That one is a lot of work to keep in check, you don't even know. It was all I could do to sit through the service. I managed, by completely fogging on the sermon and instead planned out the upcoming week in my head.

My goal in telling you all of this is not to make anyone feel bad and please... God please, do not come up to me with a sympathetic look on your face and ask me if everything is okay. I'll handle this set back a whole lot better if y'all aren't so nice to me. The last time I wrote about the state of my mental health I received a lot of nice messages and a lot of me toos! I just felt like I should keep sharing the journey. And it is a journey. I think I forgot that. Lost my focus and look where it got me. Thankfully I think I have been able to figure out how I need to live to make the rest of that stuff less of an issue, so we'll get back to all of that posthaste because as Mike rightly (again) said to me as I lay in bed weeping Saturday morning... Shanny, this is not what the year of AWESOME is supposed to look like. So that's the plan, to get back to the AWESOME. Wish me luck.

tough going

Well nobody said this eating right, healthy lifestyle, losing weight stuff would be easy and it is so not easy right now. It was ridiculously easy to get off track over the holidays. There was a lot of sitting around and eating. A lot.

Now it's just hard to get back in the swing of things. I don't know if it's because it gets dark so early or what, but I have a hard time finding time to run. The kids are doing better with our new homework routine, but it requires a lot of my time. Time I used to spend running. So finding that balance has been hard. Plus treadmill runs are sooooo boring. I don't mind walking on the treadmill or interval training, but I'm really afraid if I don't get some 5k runs in I'm just going to forget how to do it. Which is totally crazy, but still......

I guess I'm just a bit stuck at the moment and I'm not liking it very much at all.

the dreaded plateau

Well I've been pretty quiet about the running/weight loss etc around these parts these days and there's a reason for that. It's not going all that well at the moment. I have hit a plateau. Big only frowny face. I seem to be yo-yoing the same couple of pounds up and down. It sucks ass, pretty much.

I made no secret about being nervous approaching the colder months. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to run through the winter. Life is funny in many ways and I ended up with a treadmill. Turns out I really hate running on the treadmill. Good news though, I love interval training on the treadmill and it shows, I shaved five minutes off my best time when I ran in the Santa Shuffle earlier this month (such a fun race, can't wait to run it again next year!). I have not been getting outside for enough runs the past couple of weeks. As much as I love running on the trail near my house, it's not going to be great for winter running. The trail is mainly in the middle of wide open fields, so it's extra brrr-y out there, also extra windy. This past weekend I mapped out a 1k loop around my neighbourhood with the plan to run some laps. I'm getting home from work a little bit later these days and it's getting darker earlier, so at least this way I can run under the streetlights if need be.

Plus it's the holiday season so there have been parties and get togethers and candy and treats and all that yummy tempting stuff and we're just getting started! Sigh. So, it's been a bit of a rocky transition, but I've been on two runs already this week using my new route and it's pretty awesome. Now I just have to get back on track with the water and hope that I can get through the holiday season without doing too much damage. Fingers crossed.

instagram monday

I had a couple of social engagements to attend to this weekend. Saw some people I hadn't seen in a while which was nice. Because I hadn't seen some of them in a while there were more than a few comments on how I look. As of Friday I have run, walked and sensibly eaten my way down thirty-six pounds. Here's the deal though.... I don't really see it. The more people comment the more often I find myself parked in front of the mirror looking myself over. I just don't see it. Is it really that noticeable? I ask Mike time and time again. Yes, it is. It really is, he tells me. But I can't see it. I mean I can, maybe not in the mirror per se, but I can see it or feel it. In my clothes. Things that haven't fit for a long time are now too big. Keeping my pants up at a respectable level is a never ending battle. My feet are now too small for my favourite black pumps and so on.

Please don't get me wrong, I feel amazing and I am so appreciative of all your kind words, comments and likes. I just find it so interesting and a quick tour around the internets tells me that it's not uncommon. Here's hoping my brain catches up to the rest of my body soon.

not exactly on track

So it's been a bit of a struggle, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm in the middle of my all consuming post fair paper work project. That means an awful lot of time is being spent on my butt in front of my laptop. I'm still running, but other than the three times I week I get out to do that, I'm not doing much of anything else and the scale has noticed. Nothing major, I haven't even gained a full pound back, but I have had two weeks of teeny tiny gains, then along came Thanksgiving and Chinese food and I'm not holding out much hope for this week either.

I'm trying to be cool about it and keep on doing what I am able to do and that paper work will be done in no time (HA!) and getting healthy will have 100% of my focus again. I think I'm titch worried because I know how easy it is to backslide and that just makes me want to eat everything in the house. Sigh. I haven't done that, but there are moments when it is incredibly tempting.

Have any new tips to stay on track and focused?

friday high five - numbers

These are my favourite numbers these days in no particular order...

10 - We are on vacation for the next ten days. Oh yes we are. Ten glorious days that I intend of packing full of last minute summer fun with my family.

5 - The number of kilometres I biked this afternoon. I was going to go for a run, but we had dinner plans and the bike was quicker.

3 - dinners with friends and family this weekend and every single one of these events will have at least one Jersey Girl at it. Can you think of a better way to spend three evenings in a row than with the best people in your life and with what I am sure will be delicious food?

60 -Cupcakes I need to make for Sunday and my oven is still broken. Oy. Off to Papa and Grandma Linda's I go.

30 - As of this morning I have lost thirty pounds by running, riding the bike, strength training and eating sensibly. This is no diet, there is no going back from here. This is my new life and I love it.

i quit

So I quit. Yep, it's true. I quit Weight Watchers. Since they've switched to the Points Plus program I have been really struggling with it. Personally I've felt like a lot of the point values were unreasonably high when you factor in the amount of points I had to work with in a day. If I was lucky I wouldn't go over my points once I'd had dinner, but that was very rarely the case and rarely did I feel satisfied with what I'd had in a day. Weight watchers and I had run our course.

For a couple of weeks now I have been using my fitness pal. It's a free app and it tracks calories. I cannot tell you how much I am loving this app. To start I entered in all the required information like weight, height, level of activity and what my goal was and it told me how many calories per day I should be eating to meet that goal. The app comes with a scanner so you can easily scan a barcode and track your calories that way. I love this feature. Even more impressive, I have yet to scan an item that hasn't shown up in the food list. My experience with the WW's app was the exact opposite. Many times the upc was not in the system and I would be forced to figure out the points using the calculator.

I love just dealing with the calories instead of converting those calories to points. Now with just a quick look at the nutrition information I can decide whether the item is something I'm willing to indulge in. The app also tracks how much sugar, sodium, fat, carbs and protein you're getting. That's been a really eye-opening experience. Prior to this I would argue that my diet is fairly low in sodium and that I eat a lot of carbs and I would have been wrong on both counts. It's been a really eye opening experience in what I am eating in a way that WW never was.

Another feature I love... well two features.....  first, that what I do on my phone syncs with my online account so I can easily track on my phone or online. Which ever is easiest on that day.. And second, when I press the button to complete my day the app tells me..... if every day was like today you would weigh xxxlbs in five weeks. That is a huge motivator! Love it!

So it's been good, I'm happy I made the switch.

 As of this week I am down 25lbs and half way to my goal of 50lbs.



Most of my pants are too big, including these, which were my smallest pants. It's a good issue to have, kinda. If only I had my own Mr. Grey to replenish the ole wardrobe. Also in real life that shirt makes my rack look very impressive... just thought you should know.

do it

Well it's time. Time to pull the trigger on signing up for that 5km next month. It's the goal I've been working towards so why am I not signed up yet? I really do need to sign up for it. Right? Right?!

stronger

Okay, can you put up with just one more Relay post? Last year, by the time morning rolled around I was dead. Well and truly dead. My hips were killing me from all the walking. I got home and crawled into bed and slept for hours and hours. I felt wretched and hungover for the rest of the weekend.

This year, 20.5lbs lighter and a "runner", by the time morning came around I felt awesome. Relatively speaking, I mean I had been up for 25 hours and I walked over 15km, but I felt good. My legs and hips weren't killing me, I stayed up for about 20 minutes after I got home instead of crawling upstairs to bed. It was a very difference experience this year.

Why didn't I start running years ago?

i did it

Are you tired of the running posts yet? Well in the words of my father.... TS.

Today was big. Huge. Epic.

Today I ran to the bench that marks the 2km point. I walked past it a bit, just shaking out my legs, getting control of my breathing, organizing myself for the run back. I looked ahead and thought, if I just go a little further I can make 5km, by the time I get home.

I felt great, it had been a really good run to that point. I felt strong, my legs were good, so off I went. I did a great job paying attention to my breathing, keeping a good steady pace, not my best time, but not to far off it. I kept one eye on my phone watching for my app to click over to 2.5km. When I hit it I stopped for a minute, two guys blew past me on their bikes, I felt like stopping them and yelling hey, guess what I just did! But I still had to run back, so I really hadn't done anything yet, oh but the potential was there. So I let them carry on completely oblivious to my awesomeness, then I turned and ran towards home.

Today as I hit the gate that marks where I get on and off the trail I stopped for a minute, I still had my .5km cool down walk back home, but the hard part was over. I'd done it. I'd run 4kms non stop, my warm up/cool down counts for 1km of my total mileage, my next goal is 6km, so I am running a true 5km.

I played it cool when I got home, just set my phone in front of Mike with my run stats on the screen and he knew right away, knew I had done it. I sat at the desk to log my run in my notebook and I admit to getting a wee bit weepy, there were times after starting this project when I thought I couldn't actually do this. I came back from runs defeated and discouraged and wondering what the hell I was even doing, but I kept with it. I can't even tell you why I did. My girl, The Mommy Project asked me how long I've been training and I've been running pretty steadily since mid March, before that it was pretty sporadic with no true gains in any way, shape or form. It's been hours now since I finished that run and I still can't believe I did it. Me. Who always wanted to be a runner, but didn't think I could. Who could barely run for 60 seconds a handful of months ago. I can't even tell you how proud of myself I am and that is a very hard thing for me to say, but I am and I should be and I should say so.

thanks

Oh my gosh! You guys know how to make a girl weepy! Thank you so much for all your sweet and kind comments on yesterday's post. My life right now is fun and fantastic and wonderful. I can easily say this is the best I have ever felt, mentally and physically. Everything just feels like it's clicked into place. Looks like running was just another piece of the awesome puzzle.

I know I put myself out there in a way that lots of people don't. I am always touched and amazed by the people who are following my story here. Since I've mentioned the running and getting healthier I have enjoyed lots of positive feedback both online and in person. It's not easy for that shy girl inside of me to graciously accept such kind and encouraging words, but I hope I am getting better at it. Please know, while I stumble over my tongue and try to downplay all this hard work that it truly means the world to me. Thank you and much love to you all!

P.S. Big shout out to Mikaela because she makes me laugh. Also Lynn, just because.

update

So this post is a bit of a tough one to write for no other reason then I'm putting myself out there. More than normal.




So that's me. In my spandex, ready for a run. It's still kind of mind boggling to me that I'm running on the trail, by myself wearing my ipod multiple times a week. Oh and I really love it.  I'm not even all that concerned with the scale anymore. I get on it once a week just to check in, but I'm not really obsessing over the numbers. I know I'm getting healthier bit by bit and it's definitely a marathon, not a sprint. My friend told me to measure and I did, but then I lost the paper I wrote the original measurements on, but I'm not so worried about that either. I know I've moved into smaller pants and gone down four notches on my belt. My body feels different in my clothes. I'm not winded as easily, cutting the grass isn't a killer workout. I spent the day blowing up balloons and didn't feel like I was going to pass out.

I ditched the couch to 5k program. I thank it immensely for getting me where I am, but now it's just discouraging me. Now I just listen to music and concentrate on my breathing and I find the runs much easier. Focusing on my breathing helps me keeps my pace in check and in turn I've been able to increase my distance without feeling like I was killing myself. I think with the couch to 5k I thought the faster I went the quicker I would hear that voice telling me it was time for a break. Take it from me, it does not work that way.

I ran my first 4km yesterday. I was so excited because I can see it, that 5k run, it's right there in front of me. I can do it. I will do it. And probably soon.

I am 36% of the way to my first goal, to lose 50lbs.

This is my midway picture. deep breath. please be kind

my run

Storm. Maybe. Probably blow right over.




Love my shoes. Thanks Mama.