I read something this week and the second I did I had what The Oprah would call an "aha" moment.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
That is some truth right there, but it's not easy to let go of. I know. What other people think of me is a major bugaboo for me. Well, what certain people think of me is a major bugaboo. It is and/or was a huge source of anxiety for me. And that brings me to my next point.... my anxiety has made it's triumphant return. Things are not quite as rosy as they have been, but I am doing my very best to "fake it until I make it", my most trusted coping mechanism which I employ with varying degrees of success.
This too shall pass.
I truly believe this is a temporary blip. I have not been taking the best care of myself. I've spread myself a bit thin at the moment, the next four weeks or so will be a bit intense as I have two big events coming up. I'm not sleeping terrifically well, my headaches are back along with the back ache and it's all just chipping away at the awesomeness. I have a hard time with directly saying what I need and an even harder time asking for help. The thought of disappointing someone important in my life just levels me.
So, you know where this is going, right? I disappointed people I care about. I had a decision to make, so I attempted to make the best one for me at the risk of disappointing others. It wasn't a question of not wanting to, it was a bigger question of what was best not just for me, but the three other people who live with me. What was going to help turn this tide and some how it just spiraled out of control. Thoughts of this weekend will come back and torment me at low points in the future, of that I have no doubt.
Running, I have come to realize, is a big part of what makes me feel better. It helps keep all those other issues at bay. I haven't been running as much this winter and it has clearly caught up with me. I'm not the only person who's taken note of this either, at one point on Friday when I had just about reached my breaking point Mike looked at me and said, can you please try and get a hold of yourself and go for a run. I probably should have listened to him, but instead I had a shower and cried on and off for the rest of the weekend.
I went to church this morning, that hour once a week where I am quiet and reflective that I typically find comfort in, instead this week flared up my biggest bugaboo.... my fear of dying. That one is a lot of work to keep in check, you don't even know. It was all I could do to sit through the service. I managed, by completely fogging on the sermon and instead planned out the upcoming week in my head.
My goal in telling you all of this is not to make anyone feel bad and please... God please, do not come up to me with a sympathetic look on your face and ask me if everything is okay. I'll handle this set back a whole lot better if y'all aren't so nice to me. The last time I wrote about the state of my mental health I received a lot of nice messages and a lot of me toos! I just felt like I should keep sharing the journey. And it is a journey. I think I forgot that. Lost my focus and look where it got me. Thankfully I think I have been able to figure out how I need to live to make the rest of that stuff less of an issue, so we'll get back to all of that posthaste because as Mike rightly (again) said to me as I lay in bed weeping Saturday morning... Shanny, this is not what the year of AWESOME is supposed to look like. So that's the plan, to get back to the AWESOME. Wish me luck.