And Baby will Make 4

It's hard to stay married these days. I mean all you have to do is stop to read the "news" while in line at the grocery store. Seems like every couple of days there's a press release from some celebrity couple who have called it quits. Nick and Jessica, Kimberly Stewart called off her 11 day engagement, Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen finally divorced after 24 years of marriage and 4 years of separation and Nicole Richie and DJ AM calling off their engagement. All of those are just in the past couple of weeks or so. I mean I could dig back into the summer, remember Kenny and Renee or Paris and Paris and so on. Of course once these break ups occur then there is endless articles sepeculating on the causes, who's fault was it, who actually left who. This is likely after months of articles about how their relationship is on the rocks. I often wonder if those articles contribute in any way to the eventual split.

I've been thinking an awful lot about marriage these days. Specifically my own. I've got a pretty good thing going here, I know that. I not only love Mike, but I like him too. That's not something that always goes together. The truth of the matter is, like any relationship it has it's good spots and it's rough spots. Luckily there's been way more good spots than rough spots. We did have one period that was particularily bad, the year Abby was born, but somehow we managed to get through it. I know it must sound a little shocking, I mean we waited for her for years. She was very much a wanted addition to our family. It really should have been the happiest time in our lives and it was, but it was also the hardest.

I recently read an article in Novemeber's Today's Parent magazine entitled "And Baby Makes Conflict". In the opening lines the article stated that according to research almost 70% of couples experience a decrease in marital satisfaction during the first year if baby's life. Well didn't that make me sit up and take notice because that was definitley us. I mentioned this statistic to a friend and she was shocked to hear that number was so high. Well, I pointed out to her, most people aren't going to talk about it. I mean I certainly was bragging about it to all my friends and family. Sure you might make an odd comment here and there, but usually with a bit of a ha ha turn to it. Make it a bit of a joke so it doesn't seem all that serious. At least that's what I did. When I was pregnant with Abby a few people had said to me that the first year was a tough year, but Mike and I were such a good couple that it would be easy for us. Now don't think for a minute that I didn't remember those comments many many times, usually when things appeared to be at their worst. I really felt like I was failing a test that should have been easy to pass.

Part of the problem is, not only were Mike and I not talking about the stress with "outsiders", we weren't discussing it with each other really either. After the storm had passed and we had settled happily into our new family life we happened to be discussing this topic with a friend and I made the comment that if I was ever going to leave, that would have been it. Mike was shocked to hear me say that and asked me if I really felt it was that bad. Yep, I did. Let me clarify by saying that at no point did I ever consider leaving Mike. That wasn't a thought that was rolling around in my head. From my perspective that was about the worst things could get between us and in hindsight it may have seemed easy just to walk out the door and not have to deal with everything. Of course logically I know that by doing that you're only creating a different set of problems for yourself and I knew that things would be better again. The best thing I could do was just tread water and wait, so that's what I did.

Why is this all coming up now, you're probably asking yourself. That's easy, we are expecting a baby in a short two months. So I'm begining to obsess and worry about the adjustments we're going to have to make. I think with Abby, despite the complications of her birth and the fact that she was born with a heart defect, we got off pretty easy. She was and is a great sleeper, sleeping through the night by 6 weeks and every night there after, for the most part. She did go through a bit a an upset period for the first bit, but that turned out to be a formula issue and once resolved that pretty much went away. She was never a child I really had to entertain, she's always been pretty good about amusing herself. This child, however, is the big unknown. So many times you hear people say if that had their second child first they wouldn't have had any more. The old wives tale being the second child is much more complicated than the first. So I worry that this child will be colicky, not sleep at night, will scream whenever I put him/her down. Which is all fine, I mean if that's what happens I can't do too much about it and I know it won't be a permanent problem, but I worry about how that will effect the rest of my life. Abby's not going to care I was up all night, she'll still need my attention. Sleep depravation is a horrible thing. There is no possible way to function normally while you're sleep deprived. I normally have buckets of patience, but I know one night of no sleep can quickly deplete your supply and if there's one thing you need when dealing with a 3 year old it's patience.

I also worry about Abby adjusting. She is very much the center of a lot of people's lives and now she'll have to share the spotlight a bit. She's very excited for the baby to get here. She talks a lot about the baby coming home, where everybody will sit in the van to bring him/her home, how she's going to help me with the baby and so on. I also know that actually having the baby home with us will be a whole different kettle of fish. Overall I think she'll manage okay, but it would be foolish not think there will be some wrinkles.

I'm also concerned about my being home and Mike being at work. I really tried with Abby not to bother him on week nights, I did realize he did have to get up and work the next day. That's not to say I never woke him up for help in the middle of the night, but only rarely. Some of our biggest conflicts came from the dinnertime period of the day. Mike would get home from work and want to relax and I would think, great another pair of hands I could use some help. I think the fact that Mike's been home with Abby by himself the last month is going to go a long way to help eleviate some of that conflict. I know it's really changed his parenting approach. Mike and I had different ways of dealing with Abby. Ideally, I know, we should be on the same page, but that doesn't always happen. I have tried to get his approach to be more like mine only because I see more results than he appears to get with his apporach. That of course is my perspective, Mike had a hard time seeing the difference. Mike's never had this much alone time with Abby in her life. I wasn't around to step in when things weren't turning out the way he planned. So he's learned things like presenting Abby with two options when she's claiming she doesn't want to do something, the option you'd like her to do and an option you know she won't like. You get the job done with a lot less conflict and she feels like she's making choices for herself. I've also noticed he plays with her more, silly games like hockey in the kitchen that involves my wicker trivet and a lot more throwing then I've seen in conventional hockey.

Overall I like to think that first year with Abby taught us something. I like to think we'll be a little kinder to each other, a little more patient and so on. We are so lucky that we have a big support system. Lots of great family and friends close by. Not to mention Abby has her own little social life, with invitations to go out or come for a sleepover. I'll probably continue to send her to the sitter, not every day of course, but a day a week maybe. More for her than me. She's really missed being with the other kids this last month. I also think I'll find it easier to ask for help this time around. Simply because this time around I know what I'm capable of handling and when I need a break. I know there will be no shortage of volunteers and that's a nice feeling.

Now I certainly didn't intend to alarm anyone with this, I know I have family reading... hi Mom! Like the title says, My Thoughts and that's what this is. This is what has been occupying my mind for the last couple of weeks. I was also struck my the article I mentioned earlier and my friend's surprise at the statistics. I think it's just another one of those things that we just don't talk about. Or we don't talk about it in a serious way, sure everybody jokes about how difficult it is to raise kids, but not too many actually sit down and say hey this is what it's like. Maybe if more people did new parents would go into this incredible experience better prepared than Mike and I were.