Today Is Father's Day

Today can be a rough day when you don't have a Dad. My Dad passed away 20 years ago. I was just a young girl of 12. The circumstances of his death aren't relevant to my post, but you should know it was sudden and unexpected, at least by me. But then I haven't met many 12 year olds who aren't shocked when a parent passes away no matter what the circumstance. Twenty years is a long time. Every year of my life that slips by makes the percentage he was in it smaller. Each year I move a little bit further a way from him. The memories fade a little bit more. Sometimes I have to concentrate to bring back what he looked like. When I do bring back the picture it's in pieces. I know he was tall, but how tall? Dave's tall. Would they be around the same height? Was he taller? Is Dave taller? I know his hair was black, but his beard red. He had a mole on his cheek. He used to tell me he got it because a frog peed on his face. I can see these things all individually, but sometimes it's hard to put it all together.

Mike once commented that I never talk about my Dad and he had the impression that I must not miss him. While I was shocked and a little stung by his comment at the time I have to admit I can see why he'd think that. I don't talk about my Dad. He's simply become an non entity in my life. And I really don't know why. Maybe I don't want to be the girl who's still compulsively talking about her deceased father. Maybe I don't want the pitying looks. Maybe it's because, with the exception of family, nobody important in my life today ever met him. Maybe I think that's just the way you deal with something like this. Maybe it's all of the above. Maybe it's something different everyday.

I won't say that every Father's Day is rough. Most aren't. This one has been though. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I have a husband, a new baby and a child ready to start school that he'll never meet. Maybe because I know he would have been a great Grandpa. Maybe because as I gathered Michael's family around my table this afternoon I thought about how much he would have loved all of them. Maybe because as much as I was missing him I didn't open my mouth and say I was. Maybe it's because I didn't call my brother or my mom and say hey it's Father's Day and I miss Dad, do you miss him too? Maybe I wanted one of them to call me. Maybe I didn't really want to acknowledge it at all.

The simple truth of it is.... today is Father's Day and I miss my dad, but I missed him yesterday and I'll miss him tomorrow.