Nowhere Near Normal

In light of my recent post it seems I can't bring myself to continue with blogging as normal. It seems a little disrespectful to immediatley begin posting about things like Abby's first trip to the movies or the state of Maya's chunky thighs. When will be the right time? I'm not really sure.

My heart is just broken and aching for Todd's family. I know what they are going through and yet I don't. Not exactly. So many factors between their experience and mine are different. I remembering fnding out, at 12, of my own father's passing. I remember the pain, the grief, the confusion and inabiltiy to absorb and process what I had heard. I can't imagine having to hear that at 4 and 5. Now that I'm a parent, I can only imagine what the flip side of that is. I have a greater appreciation and understanding of what my Mom went through. What Todd's wife is going through.

I find the tears welling up in my eyes easily these days. I catch a glimpse out the window of Todd's truck sitting in the driveway. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I will never see him there again. That I won't run into him on the way to the mailbox. Won't be waiting to put the kids on the school bus with him this September. Won't see him out riding his bike with his boys. Won't see him cutting the grass. I cry as I think of those boys as adults, missing their Dad as I do mine. I think of the long road they have ahead of them. How it will be hard and painful, but eventually you find a way to exsist with it. I say exsist because it doesn't go away. It never leaves you.

I remember what my Dad's passing did to our family. It pulled us in close to each other. Mom, Dave and I. We were all we had. Because eventually everybody went home to their own lives and it was just us. That's the part that makes me so fanatical about my family. Makes me crazy in love with my brother. Makes it impossible for me to even contemplate moving any great distance from my Mom. Makes me hate that my brother and Mel live so far away. That's what makes my Mom ready to do anything for me at any moment. That's what makes my brother drive 4 hours just because he needs to know I'm okay.

This isn't about me and yet it is. Something like this opens doors to places that I normally keep close. Brings to light things I like to keep in the darkness. It pushes me back 20 years and I see that little girl who lost her Dad all over again. I see her and feel her pain as an adult and that makes it both harder and easier to deal with. It intensifies and lessens the pain.

Todd's family is going to need all kinds of support. Abby and I prayed again tonight for the boys. I would ask that you remember them in yours. If you would like to help the family out through this difficult time I have a donation button posted in the right sidebar. If you know me in real life and would like to contribute please get in touch with me.