Well at my house it looks a little like this. This is a picture of Maya's room. Since Christmas I have been unable to do anything with it. See first there was the "maybe baby scare" of early 2007, which led to the "great baby debate" of early 2007, which led to the "we can't make a decision so let's not talk about it" phase also of early 2007. For the last month and a half we've been very busy doing nothing at all.
So why can't I get my act together? Well everything seemed to be hinged on that one big decision; do we or don't we? If the answer was "do we" then it seemed silly to get rid of all of Maya's outgrown baby clothes. In addition to the piles of clothes I had laying about her room her drawers were stuffed full of outgrown clothes too. Which meant I didn't have room to unpack Abby's old 12 month sized clothes for Maya to wear now so I would have an empty bin to put Abby's outgrown size 3 clothes. Which, of course, meant Abby's drawers were also stuffed full out outgrown clothes. I had nowhere to put the new clothes they got for Christmas, which led to the girls living out of laundry baskets. Which was a huge pain in the ass.
Then one day in the midst of the after work/school chaos; making the dinner, checking the knapsack/lunchbox, packing lunches, laundry, bathing, housework and so on, I began to have a feeling. Then the sickness hit, we got better and then it hit again. It was in the middle of all that that I realized it wasn't a feeling anymore, it was something I knew to be true. So I turned to Mike and said to him, for the second time in a year, I'm done. I'm finished. No more.
I love my girls. I love being a Mom (I like to think I'm pretty good at it). I recognize and appreciate how lucky I am. What a gift they are, but I got to be honest with you, Maya as an infant was a lot of work. She continues to be a lot of work. Abby as a baby was much more laid back and easy going, much more independent. Maya and I got off to a very different start. I was/am a much more protective Mom with Maya. I didn't go out and leave her a much as I did with Abby. Maya and I struggled with sleep for many many months and sometimes it still is a struggle for a full nights sleep and that folks is no fun. I mean it was great, she was great. I loved her as a baby, but I'm also kind of glad we're getting past that. That she's making small strides towards being a bit more independent. And really I just can't get past the "what if's". It seems too big of a risk, too much of a gamble. The idea of physically being pregnant again, to me, is a frightening one. I can't stop thinking of that tiny baby in her isolette in the NICU and I wonder why would I willingly sign up for the possibility of that again. I can't. It doesn't seem fair to any of us.
So with Mike in agreement, the decision was made. Our family was complete. I could move forward. I could clean up my daughters' rooms. Something that would prove to be easier said than done. Last week the girls and I armed with garbage bags descended on Maya's room first. I attacked the first pile and ruthlessly began shoving things into bags. Then I paused. I pulled stuff out. Turned the smallest outfits over in my hands. The nicest things I set aside. I told myself I would sell them on eBay. They would bring in a little money. Ah, but realistically, I told myself, I didn't have the time for that. Back in the bag they went. More stuff went into the bag and more stuff was pulled back out. Again I set some of the nicest things aside, this time telling myself I would save it for someone who could one day use it. Ah, but I told myself, that someone already told me that wasn't necessary. That someone is dealing with their own "what if's" and this bag of clothes, as cute as they are, could easily become emotional baggage they didn't need. In the end I set a couple of outfits aside to tuck into her memory box, for the rest I turned myself on autopilot and filled the bags up.
2 comments:
I felt the same way after my son was born. Heck, I knew we were done during the hard pregnancy! I love the feeling of getting rid of all the outgrown stuff, passing it on instead of trying to figure out where to keep it, like I did after #1. They are 4 and 6 now, and I am soooooo glad I won't have to go through infancy with any more kids!
Once I had fully committed myself to doing it I felt really good about it too. Lots of relief not having to worry about where to put it etc. Plus I think it kind of surprised me that I really didn't feel the need to do the whole newborn thing again. Although I'm sure time will change that, Maya's infancy is still too fresh.
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