a touch of baby lust

Mike and I were watching tv the other night when I commercial featuring a tiny little newborn baby came on. I may have turned to Mike, at that point, to whine about how much I'd like to have another baby. I was more than a little surprised to hear him say he would like to have another too. I think it makes it easier for my baby loving heart if I tell myself that Mike is one of the big roadblocks to expanding our family. Turns out he's not. Even still, that does not change the fact that our family is complete.

I have said many many times that I will not risk having another sick baby. The first three weeks of Maya's life shaved years off my own. I know I couldn't go through that again and I don't think it's fair to the baby. Not to mention our families. But boy do I still miss having a baby. I miss the midnight feedings. When it's just you and them. I miss that newborn cry. I miss the swaddling. And the snuggling. And the sitting and staring at them for hours. I miss how everyone's schedule in the house seems to revolve around the baby. And the tiny little diapers, sleepers and hats. All of it. I miss all of it.

The "what if's" and potential sick baby scenarios aside, Maya is another big roadblock on the path to a third baby. If there was such a path for this family. Because being Maya's Mom is kick ass. When I put her to bed and she asks, "Mommy, you lay down me?" So I crawl in beside her and she wraps her little arms around my neck so she can whisper in my ear, "I yuve you Momma." Or when I cough, she'll pause what she's doing to ask, "You okay, Momma?" Or that out of no where she's started calling me Momma.

And then there are days when being Maya's Mom kicks *my* ass. Hard. The days when she stamps her little foot and screeches NO! when I expect her to apologize to her sister. Days when she plays "spaghetti baby", going all limp and noodly when I'm trying to get her dressed. And laughing at my growing frustration while she's doing it. Days of her happily using the potty at the sitters, but completely refusing to use it at home. She is defiant, stubborn and obstinate, but she can melt me into a puddle of goo in seconds. She makes it so this family is enough.