Wednesday, March 12, 2014

i used to read

Know what I miss about my former anxiety levels..... I know, you expect me to say nothing, but there is this one little thing. You see the worst time of the day for me was always the end of the day when I crawled into bed. Falling asleep was incredibly difficult because... oh the places my mind would take me. I'd replay conversations and social interactions torturing myself with how I'd screwed them up. And that was an easy night. On the worst ones I'd worry about something happening to my kids or my family. I'd imagine what my Dad's last moments were like. Those nights were probably the worst, the darkest ones. I'd never be able to tell what was going to be on the menu for any given evening.

My coping mechanism of choice was sleep deprivation. I do not recommend that it at all, by the way. I would stay up watching TV or putzing about on the internet until my head was nodding then I'd crawl into bed and crack a book and read until I fell asleep. Some nights it took one page, some nights it took multiple chapters.

These days I just go to bed. At semi-reasonable times even. No reading necessary. No more mind wandering torture sessions. I fall sleep in about ten minutes according to my handy fitbit one. Every now and then I have a bit of a.... well I guess it's a muscle memory sort of thing.... it's like my mind has to wander, but all of the anxiety thoughts are gone. So instead I start designing and decorating my dream house, but I've never actually gotten further than imagining the antique church pew I'd have in the foyer.

Here's the part I miss though... the reading in bed. I've had a book sitting on my beside table for months! Two books actually. The Game of Thrones, which I was trudging through one paragraph at a time. I thought maybe it was too heavy, so I switched to I Love You Beth Cooper and I think I got about 40 pages in before I started neglecting the heck out of it. I know the simple answer is to just go to bed a bit earlier, but it appears I'm unwilling to do that right now. It just feels so odd to me sometimes. The falling asleep in 10 minutes or less is so incredibly amazing though. Totally fair trade off.


Betsy said...

I do the reading thing too. I'm glad you are getting to sleep more easily though. =)

Bibliomama said...

Still doing the reading thing. Still not solid on sleep. It's a pretty fair trade-off. :)

Pam said...

Sleep is good. Reading thing seems to go in waves for me. Every time I wander thriugh a book store or library I think how much I love books, then I don't make time for it.