what is she trying to say?

One of my very helpful children: Oh hey Mom, I just read an article about how if you put a teaspoon in the freezer and then hold it to your eyes it will really help with the bags under your eyes.


Me: ummm, thanks. I guess.

even the little one thinks i'm lame

Me: Hey My, can you pass me Dad's cell phone.
Maya: Mom! Nobody calls it a cell phone anymore.
Me: They don't?
Maya: No.
Me: What do they call it then?
Maya: A phone, Mom. It's a phone. You want me to pass you Dad's phone.

putting me in my place since 2006

Maya: Hey Mom, I need Dad to take me shopping.
Me: What for?
Maya:  A Christmas present for you.
Me: Awww, that's sweet. What are you going to get me?
Maya: I don't know, what do you like from the dollar store?

she really wants that vacuum cleaner

Once upon a time we had a very cool cordless Shark vacuum cleaner. Not a full size vacuum cleaner, just something small to pull out for a quick everyday once over the carpet. The kids loved it and that means this Mama didn't have to vacuum because y'all know vacuuming is my least favourite of all the household chores. When I say we used to have one of these magical Shark vacuums, I really mean we had two and we wore out both of them. Currently we have no Sharks in the house only the central vac, which I dislike with the heat of a thousand suns.

And that brings us too this morning..

Mike: Hey, did you see the new Shark cordless vacuum cleaner like we used to have?
Maya: I've seen it!!
Me: No.
Mike: It's really cool and it's cordless! We should get another one for doing this carpet.
Me: I've never seen it.
Maya: I have!!
Mike: It's only $150.
Me: Oh, only $150, huh?
Maya: I have twenty bucks you can have if that will help you out.

lost my street cred

It's Christmas shopping season and since I am an old lady now I had to check in with one of my darling daughters about whether or not something was still in vogue with the kids, so to speak.

It went a little something like this...

Me: Hey is this still cool?
Darling Daughter: Yeah, that is still cool, but you know what's not cool? My Mom asking me if things are still cool.

And yes, she did say it with that "my Mom is so lame" eye roll.

love that kid

Maya: Hey Mom, know what's weird?
Me: Your face?
Maya: No, my face is actually awesome.

funny thing happened on the way home

This afternoon, just around the time Maya should be getting home from school it started to rain like crazy. So I grabbed the big umbrella and headed out to meet her bus so she wouldn't get soaked walking home. As I waited three different people... who clearly weren't hugged enough as children..... came too quickly down the street and just like you've seen a hundred times on TV splashed me from head to toe under my giant umbrella with freezing cold, disgusting, puddle water. And so there I stood, soaking wet under my umbrella that I brought to.... you know... keep me dry. The things we do for love, am I right?

Maya, of course, was thrilled to see me and my umbrella, so we walked the long way home and as we walked we talked......

Maya: Look at those chickens! They're getting wet, but not those chickens under the tree. They are the smart chickens. The ones getting wet over there are the dumb chickens.
Me: Well you aren't getting wet either, so you must be a smart chicken too.
Maya: With a smart chicken mother!

and then...

Me: Hey, guess what happened to me while I was waiting for your bus!
Maya: What?
Me: Three cars went past me really fast and splashed me with puddle water. I'm soaked. Isn't that horrible?
Maya: It might also be funny.

oh that kid....

how indeed

I don't want to over sell this whole Maya loves competing at horse shows thing, but tonight we headed over to the fairgrounds to get our building ready for the fair and that place was just hopping. There were cars and trailers parked every where. Since it doesn't typically look that way on a random Tuesday night......

Maya: What's going on here?
Me: Oh there's a horse show.
Maya: How could they have a horse show that I'm not involved with?

what are you trying to say here kid?

Me: Hey Maya, do you want ice cream?
Maya: Yes, please........ but could you put it in a cone?
Me: It's already in a cone, sweets.
May: Yay!
Me: Go ahead, you can say it....
Maya: What?
Me: Best Mom Ever!
Maya: Best Mom EVER!!

and then quietly to Mike.....

Maya: But actually she's my only Mom, so.......

no kidding

Maya: Hey, do you know who doesn't get along?
Me: Who?
Maya: Me and cleaning. We do not get along at all!

what more could you ask for?

MyPie is really the best kid ever.





Happy Father's Day y'all!

eeek

Last Sunday night Mike and I thought a movie would be a nice way to wrap up a week of vacation. So we popped Jobs into the ole BluRay player and settled into watch. Midway through the movie whilst Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs was handing someone their ass about some such technology I heard it. A very large squeak came from the corner of the living room.

What the hell was that? I asked Mike.

Oh it was in the movie, he assured me.

I chose to believe him even though a loud squeak in the midst of a technological throwdown made no sense to the storyline. I mean what was the alternative?

We paused the movie for a bathroom break because I'm old and drink a lot of water and when I got back from the bathroom Mike says, I don't want to upset you, but that noise was obviously some sort of rodent. In our living room.

Of course my calm, mild mannered and above all grown up response to that was...... We have to burn the house down and then move! Right now! Wake the kids!! There is no time to lose.

I'm not going to lie I was pretty much picturing that episode of looney tunes with the giant "mouse". That's clearly what we were dealing with here. A kangaroo sized mouse that had moved into my living room. Oh. Em. Gee. I was never going into the living room again. And we still had half the movie to watch. Ugh.

Somehow Mike managed to convince me to finish up the movie. Which I may or may not have down balancing myself on the arm of the love seat ready to make a break for it if necessary, but we made it through with no more squeaks or sightings. Phew.

The next morning finds me in the bathroom getting ready for work when I hear that really loud squeak again, this time coming from the office. I realize Abby just headed back that way with her ipod and a thought starts rolling around in my head. Abby had just gotten a bunch of itunes gift cards for her birthday and had spent the weekend downloading songs and apps.

Me: Abby what was that sound?
Abby: Which sound? Talking Tom?

Are you aware of Talking Tom? It's an app. The main character is a talking cat. Abby can speak to him and he'll repeat what she says in his high pitched squeaky voice. The night before she'd left her ipod charging in the corner of the living room. Where we were watching the movie. Where the giant kangaroo sized rodent was hanging out.

Yep, we got punked by a push notification. That high pitched squeak was actually a short intense meow designed to bring your attention back the game when Talking Tom is lonely or needs to go to bed or whatever else he virtually has to have. Meow. Not a squeak. Not a mouse, kangaroo sized or otherwise. Yep, punked by technology. Yep.

Don't you just wish you could be as cool as me. 

she really is too much

Maya and I are cuddled up on the couch together watching a movie.

Me: You are a cutie, ya know!
Maya: Well duh! Who wouldn't think I'm adorable?

You gotta admire her confidence, right?

negotiations

Me: Are you here to rub my back?
Maya: Nope.
Me: Are you sure you don't want to rub my back? I'll  pay you a nickel.
Maya: I'll do it for ten bucks.
Me: How about a quarter?
Maya: Twenty bucks.
Me: Fifty cents?
Maya: Twenty. Bucks.
Me: Seventy-five cents?
Maya: Nope.  A twenty.
Me: How about a loonie?
Maya: No! And a toonie won't work either. Twenty bucks for one minute. That's it.

She's tough. I didn't get the back rub, but she didn't get the twenty bucks either.

just keepin' it real

Me: Will you always be my baby?
Maya: As long as I live I'll be your baby.
Me: Ok.
Maya: No matter how old I get I will always be your baby.
Me: I'm glad.
Maya: Wait..... I'll do it for twenty bucks!

it ain't bad

Today is international happiness day and do you know what one of the many things are that make me happy? Before bed conversations with MyPie.

Maya: Mom, what does two out of three mean?
Me: It means I asked you three questions and you got two of them right.... why?
Maya: I got six out of seven on my spelling test.

Happy international happiness day to all of you!

stuffed

Before it all went incredibly pear-shaped we actually had a very nice Christmas Eve at church with friends and family. There was communion, of course, and at our church it happens one of two ways, either served to you in the pew or by intinction - lining up to receive the bread that you then dip in the wine. Maya will not take communion by intinction but, she is happy to partake when it is served in the pews

This Christmas Eve as people began to line up I invited her to join me in line and she politely declined. As Grandma Linda passed by our pew she invited Maya to join her as well. To which Maya replied....

No thank you, I'm not hungry. I had three pieces of pizza for dinner.

What can I say...at least she was polite.

who doesn't like a compliment

This past week I bought myself a couple of new bras. We're all friends here, so I feel I should tell you that it's a chore I've put off for far longer than I should have..... and it seems other have noticed.

This morning as I got myself ready for church one of my children wandered in to rifle through my closet at which point we shared this delightful exchange...

Child: Your new bra?
Me: Uh huh.
Child: Well it makes your boobs look like they are thirty.

our little code cracker

Earlier today I was in the laundry room doing laundry... imagine that... while Mike and Maya sat at the kitchen table. Mike internetting and Maya painting an egg carton. What Mike was actually doing was planning out an afternoon of geocaching.

Mike: Hey, do you want me to take A to go GC-ing?

Because you know how it is when you have two kids and you're only taking one out, but you don't want the other one getting all bent about it? Well Maya didn't even look up from what she was doing...

Maya: You're talking about Abby right?
Me: Well, it's official.... she's smarter than you.

yes that really happened

If you're interested in having your ego completely devastated on a regular basis then I highly recommend having kids. You'll get to field fun questions like.....

So are my boobs going to get big and saggy when I get older too?

She's here all week folks, don't forget to tip your waiters.